I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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