Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
