Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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