I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
