is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
