I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
