And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
