I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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