You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
