I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
