You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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