You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
soo... how was my night?
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