grandma shit on top of the toilet
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
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