I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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