i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
