i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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