The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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