there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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