Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I see more hoeing in ur future
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