I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have aggressive nipples.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
