I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
