I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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