By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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