Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
