hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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