This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Green mimosas i think yes
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
