mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
