I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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