I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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