I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
