to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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