my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
