I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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