my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
