A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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