JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
