You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
