I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
