Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
