i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
