I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
