he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
