I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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