God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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