Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
