If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
