I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
