You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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