I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
