So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
